i dont know where to begin, i dont even know what to say. at first i just couldnt understand what happened. then i blamed myself for it all. thinking that maybe if i accepted my own mistakes and apologized you would change your mind. but the truth is you could never force someone to love you or stay. the most hurtful part of all this is that you could look me in the eyes and tell me you never loved me. that you could take back every word and moment we shared, that you could have lied for a year about what you really wanted and felt. i cant believe it. i dont know who you are now. i dont know who i fell in love with but it wasnt this person you have now become. everyone keeps saying im better off without you, that you were never good enuff, that she is not better then me, and although i know all this is true, i cant help but feel this way. why couldnt i make you as happy as she does now? what does she do that makes you stay ? you told me that you loved me and then you took it all back. how could you lie ? i felt safe with you, i felt for the first time like someone loved me through everything i was through everything that made me who i was, and now im left her ealone, lonelier then ever, and no one will love me. i just wanna hold you i jus wanna cry i just wanna tell you that i love you and hope you would take all this bak

Last night i had a conversation with a friend. He asked me what i liked to do, what interests me the most. And i quickly answered, reading, i love to read anything that catches my attention. i explained my obsession with violence in Latin America, Guerilla, Communism. I like reaidng about the great leaders. And i know some people don't understand that, but its just intriguing to know how one person might have managed to persuade everyone else to move along with them and be everything they asked for. its amazing. i told him i enjoy writing. i write everything down, anything i feel, anything i think, anything i want to know. i write it all down because the only way i know how to go on. I told him i dislike people, but i love helping them. i want to do psychology and help others. i said i enjoyed museums.i like to learn. He said we were similar. Our music views are exact. And i agree hes right we do have a lot in common. I asked him to explain what his interest were, he answered he was happy as long as he made someone smile, he put it all on paper as well. He read anything that sounded good but mostly anything that can teach him something new. We share dthe same interest in communism. And i knew he was right, we were so similar. He suggested we were each others half and in my head, i thought, could it be possible to find someone who is YOU in another body. someone who can be your twin. Although he is older then me. Much older by 6 years, which is really nothing but in this case it makes a big difference. Cud ihave met someone who could have been my exact twin, male twin, 6years older then i. is it possible that its not always about meeting your other half, your significant other, is it possible that you could have just come across someone exactly like you. someone who was suppose to be a part of your life one way or another, maybe a significant other, maybe a twin maybe a bestfriend. Yes ive met people who are like me who know what i mean without having to say a word, people who write and read, people who seem to understand me, but something about Him toldme this was different. and not different like it changed my feelings for him. no. it intrigued me to know more about him, about myself. to find out who i really am, where i'm really going. i know this may all sound crazy, confusing, im rambling on about God knows what. but i know what i felt.

I'm sorry.

i think the reason i've been feeling so insecure about this relationship is because i keep expecting something to go wrong. i keep expecting it to fall apart. its been so good, yea we've had little fights like everyone else has in relationships, but nothing that has ever had the power to break us and i guess it scares me because i'm so used to things falling apart one way or another and now that its almost a year i'm so afraid for it to fall apart and i just keep praying he doesn't hurt me, but i keep expecting it and i know that that's unhealthy for our relationship because its almost like jinxing it but i hadn't noticed i was doing it until today. i don't want to sabotage my relationship with him. i love Jonathan. and i know that i might suspect him of certain things with certain people, and i know that i'am wrong. and when i get scared i look for comfort in others. and i may not do anything at all but talk to my guy friends, because i don't have any other friends anymore, idk where the girls have gone and that's fine, i've finally learn to deal with that stage of our lives, i guess.
i've never cheated on him, and i never will. and maybe old emotions have rushed back once in a while at the thought of the past or the sound of someones voice, by the words that i've read, but at the end of the day i would never do anything to hurt Jonathan. He is my Life. what im saying is, i have plenty of guy friends and when i have no one to run to and talk i speak to them and as much as i get mad when hes text'ing his female friends i shouldn't be upset at him because at the end of the day i text my male friends. i have to stop feeling this way. i'm sorry baby. i'm sorry for all of this stupid bickering and all my insecurities. i know i love you, i don't want to be without you. that's all.

If i knew what went on in his mind.

Well im trying to get things back on track but sometimes it just gets so hard. i might be going bak to skool, unless my loan is denied then i'll be screwed again. but so far so god i guess right ? i registered for classes and today realized that with work and skool and iwt his work and skool we wont have any time for one another. i kmow it sound sover dramatic, but we reallyt have complete opposite skedules. im scared that we might drift apart, im scared that things wont be the same and i dont want to lose the one good thing in life that i have. i tried explaining how i felt bout this but all he said was to have sum faith in us and although he is right i shud have faith, and which i do, it bothers me that hes so non chalant about it. i know that i stress things way more then he does, but still, how can i be the only one whose worried about this relationship. is he so sure that we are set together for life that nothing will ever break us or does he just not care enough ??? idk.