Last night i had a conversation with a friend. He asked me what i liked to do, what interests me the most. And i quickly answered, reading, i love to read anything that catches my attention. i explained my obsession with violence in Latin America, Guerilla, Communism. I like reaidng about the great leaders. And i know some people don't understand that, but its just intriguing to know how one person might have managed to persuade everyone else to move along with them and be everything they asked for. its amazing. i told him i enjoy writing. i write everything down, anything i feel, anything i think, anything i want to know. i write it all down because the only way i know how to go on. I told him i dislike people, but i love helping them. i want to do psychology and help others. i said i enjoyed museums.i like to learn. He said we were similar. Our music views are exact. And i agree hes right we do have a lot in common. I asked him to explain what his interest were, he answered he was happy as long as he made someone smile, he put it all on paper as well. He read anything that sounded good but mostly anything that can teach him something new. We share dthe same interest in communism. And i knew he was right, we were so similar. He suggested we were each others half and in my head, i thought, could it be possible to find someone who is YOU in another body. someone who can be your twin. Although he is older then me. Much older by 6 years, which is really nothing but in this case it makes a big difference. Cud ihave met someone who could have been my exact twin, male twin, 6years older then i. is it possible that its not always about meeting your other half, your significant other, is it possible that you could have just come across someone exactly like you. someone who was suppose to be a part of your life one way or another, maybe a significant other, maybe a twin maybe a bestfriend. Yes ive met people who are like me who know what i mean without having to say a word, people who write and read, people who seem to understand me, but something about Him toldme this was different. and not different like it changed my feelings for him. no. it intrigued me to know more about him, about myself. to find out who i really am, where i'm really going. i know this may all sound crazy, confusing, im rambling on about God knows what. but i know what i felt.

I'm sorry.

i think the reason i've been feeling so insecure about this relationship is because i keep expecting something to go wrong. i keep expecting it to fall apart. its been so good, yea we've had little fights like everyone else has in relationships, but nothing that has ever had the power to break us and i guess it scares me because i'm so used to things falling apart one way or another and now that its almost a year i'm so afraid for it to fall apart and i just keep praying he doesn't hurt me, but i keep expecting it and i know that that's unhealthy for our relationship because its almost like jinxing it but i hadn't noticed i was doing it until today. i don't want to sabotage my relationship with him. i love Jonathan. and i know that i might suspect him of certain things with certain people, and i know that i'am wrong. and when i get scared i look for comfort in others. and i may not do anything at all but talk to my guy friends, because i don't have any other friends anymore, idk where the girls have gone and that's fine, i've finally learn to deal with that stage of our lives, i guess.
i've never cheated on him, and i never will. and maybe old emotions have rushed back once in a while at the thought of the past or the sound of someones voice, by the words that i've read, but at the end of the day i would never do anything to hurt Jonathan. He is my Life. what im saying is, i have plenty of guy friends and when i have no one to run to and talk i speak to them and as much as i get mad when hes text'ing his female friends i shouldn't be upset at him because at the end of the day i text my male friends. i have to stop feeling this way. i'm sorry baby. i'm sorry for all of this stupid bickering and all my insecurities. i know i love you, i don't want to be without you. that's all.